Chapter Text
When they all sit down, Naruto opens a window of some sort in the air and sift through what looked like a menu of strange foods that none of his female companions had ever seen.
After looking through the options, he chooses what looked like a BBQ lover’s wet dream and noticing the girls eyes on him, he also chooses what looked like a very delicious cake a second after he presses a green square in the window a box appears in front of him.
Once he opens it, he pulls out a takeout box filled to the brim with Texas BBQ and a clear plastic container with a very tantalizing looking chocolate cake and an eight pack of ice-cold co*ke, which he keeps cold with ice magic.
“oh yeah baby, that’s the good stuff!”, he says looking at the spread, he reaches for a piece of brisket dripping with juices, but before he could take a bite, he notices the girls looks, “what?!”.
“the hell was that?!”, Ino asks as she can hear Chouji drooling from across the venue.
“that was my super online market skill, it allows me to buy anything as long as I have the money to pay for it”, he says, taking a bite of the juicy meat, “which considering I also have infinity currency means I can quite literally buy the world”.
“I’m sorry…”, Sakura says, pinching the bridge of her nose, “so you are telling me that you have some sort of infinite supermarket and infinite money?”.
“yes”, Naruto says casually before popping open a can of co*ke, “pretty much”.
The girls, everyone on close proximity and in the viewer’s room freeze in silence… for exactly three seconds before Tsunade bursts trough the tower’s door.
“you sneaky son of a bitch!!”, Tsunade tries to stomp her way to him, but is stopped by an invisible wall, “why didn’t you told me about that?!”.
“how the hell do you think I keep the cabinets stocked with the good stuff?”, Naruto says, unbothered by his wife’s outburst.
“if you can just buy more, why is you always miffed about me eating the whole snack cabinet in one sitting?”, Tsunade growls.
“it’s the principle!”, Naruto answers.
“I swear to kami, as soon as this barrier is down I’ll strangle you with your own intestines!!”, Tsunade threatens.
“would a crate of Mount Myouboku special selection, limited edition sake stop you from turning my insides into my outsides?”, Naruto asks, buying a crater of the are sake.
Every adult in and out of the vicinity starts drooling at mention of the legendary beverage, which, it is said to be so good it made everything else taste like piss.
The thing is, said sake had long stopped being produced.
Noticing Tsunade’s glare lessening, Naruto adds.
“I’ll even add a few bottles of that hundred year’s vintage single malt Uzumaki spirits you are always talking about”, Naruto completes as the crater of the rare sake and the rare spitis bottles appear in front of him, “so… am I forgiven?”.
“what I was mad about again?”, Tsunade cheerfully asks her anger gone and forgotten as she hugs the amnesia inducing gift her lovely husband gave her, and it’s not even her birthday!!
After she leaves, the group goes back to eat or at least they try while trying to wrap their heads of they just heard… until they take a bie of the chocolate cake.
“forehead”, Ino says, chocolate frosting all over her mouth, “you are so lucky I love your pinkhaired ass, because this cake is turning me on hard!”.
“what a coincidence, I was about to say the same”, Sakura adds, taking another slice, “dammit, so moist”.
“it’s a eight star special chocolate cake from a high end place, it’s totally worth the golden coin it costs”, Naruto says.
“golden coin as in a coin made of pure gold?”, Mito asks, wolfing down her third slice of cake.
“yup, one of these”, Naruto says, tossing a thick golden coin to Mito.
“sh*t, this thing is twice the thickness of a ryo coin”, Mito says, biting the coin and seeing it got dented, “and you weren’t lying this thing is pure gold”.
“I wonder how much this thing is worthy?”, Sakura wonders looking at the coin.
“it’s pure gold”, Ino says, “it must be worth a lot”.
“it does”, Mito adds.
She then proceeds to say how much the coin was worthy based on the gold value and everybody in earshot goes wide-eyed.
The same happens at the observers booth.
“infinite money…”, Haiashi was doing some quick calculations while blinking at the speed of light.
“I’m not loaning any money to anyone”, Naruto says.
“excuse-me, I couldn’t avoid heading you, but if you have infinity money then why are you so miffed about giving money to the Uzumaki?”, Kurenai asks, intruding the groups conversation.
“I’m not miffed about paying the Uzumaki to leave0me alone, I’m miffed about having to bail myself out of a mess I didn’t create”, Naruto explains and Kurenai’s expression changes into one understanding, “it’s different, also, sit down, since you are already here get a slice of cake”.
“don’t mind if I do, that looks org*smic”, Kurenai admits sitting down a getting herself a slice of cake and a can of co*ke, “thanks”.
With the meal finished and the stage repaired, it was time for the exam to continue.
“Mito, no offence, but I think your sister doesn’t stand a chance”, Naruto says, looking at the next match up.
“oh really?”, Mito asks, with a little disdain, it was her sister he was talking about, “please enlighten me as to why”.
“that girl, Temari, look at her back”, Naruto says, using his pipe to point to the fan behind her back.
“what about it?”, Sakura asks, curious.
“Suna is known for three things, their puppets, the magnet release from the Kazekage clan and their mastery over wind release”, Naruto says as Mito puts two and two together, “more especially tessenjutsu, something she seems to have a mastery of”.
“sh*t, Tenten had to be paired up with someone whose specialty is to use long range slashing jutsus while her style is more focused on close quarters combat and throwing weapons”.
“yup, she’s f*cked”, Naruto adds, “just look at her opponent, that’s not the posture of a genin, at least not a green one, she has experience and is not afraid of getting her hands dirty”.
“don’t be such stick in the mud, you never know she might win”, Ino says, looking as the fight was about to start.
“wanna bet?”, Naruto asks.
Just as predicted, Tenten lost… badly, right now she was L bent over the Suna genin war fan.
“sh*t!”, Ino says, handling a stack of ryo to Naruto, “I hope she’s ok!”.
Naruto looks around and sees Mito’s worried expression, he knows that the spine is one of those body parts where the chance of lethal or career ending injuries had a bigger chance of happening.
Feeling bad for his teammate, snaps his fingers and Tenten is healed.
The girls jumps of the stretcher and after the mednins give her the ok, she runs back to her team.
“take a picture, it’ll last longer”, Naruto says, looking at Temari from where he stood.
“you’ll have o spak louder if you want her to hear you”, Sakura says.
“pfft, I don’t think so”, Naruto says, noticing the sour expression on Temari’s face, “she seems quite proficient in the art of lip reading”.
After a quick sweep, the arena was ready for the next fight.
“well’, it seems it’s my turn”, Naruto says cracking his neck.
“try not to kill him!”, Sakura says.
“who do you take me for?”, Naruto asks.
Naruto walks down to the arena to face his opponent, Kiba Inuzuka who was seemingly excited.
“look Akamaru, it’s the dead last”, Kiba says and the puppy next to him barks in agreement, “it seems we got a freebie”.
At that, Kurenai groans.
“kami have mercy”, she says face palming, “I tough I had beaten that co*ckiness out of him”.
“it seems you didn’t”, Mito adds.
Back in the arena.
“what’s wrong deadlast, nothing to say?”, Kiba asks with a co*cky smile.
“did you said something?”, Naruto says, enraging Kiba, “I didn’t heard you from because of all that maindenless stink coming from you”.
“shut up deadlast, if someone is maindeless here it’s you!!”, Kiba growls back.
“oh please, I’m already married”, Naruto completes, “something you’d be lucky to be, but that would you require to actually wash yourself more than once a month, so I hope your mom isn’t counting on you for grandkids”.
In the observation booth, the spectators wince at Naruto’s words.
“hey, don’t look at me, that all him!”, Tsume says, “that dumbass thinks his musk is attractive!”.
“it clearly isn’t”, Inoichi says, “I can smell him from a mile away and I don’t have an enhanced nose like yours”.
Back in the arena.
Kiba was growling, itching for the fight to start.
Lucky for him Hayate gives the signal to start and he instantly goes on the offensive using his clans taijutsu style, for a fraction of a second he thinks he’s on top as Naruto eats hit after hit, that was until he ran out of breath and is sent flying backwards by a powerful kick to the chest.
“I’ll give you that deadlast, that was… why aren’t you even scratched?!”, Kiba’s gloating is cut short by the sign of Naruto standing still unbothered.
“if you were anyone slightly more competent, I would say it’s because I’m using a physical damage nullification spell”, Naruto says, making Kiba’s blood boil, “but you aren’t, so, no reason to waste brain juice to keep the concentration needed for the spell to work, instead…”.
At that the outlines of a armor appears surrounding Naruto, much to the surprise of the crowd.
“spiritual armor will suffice”, Naruto says, blowing some smoke from his pipe, seeing the furious look on Kiba’s face, “let’s see if you can last enough until the spell is over”.
In a furious roar, Kiba and Akamaru regroup.
“Inuzuka style: human beast clone technique!”, the dog turns into a second Kiba and both charge, spinning like a drill, “fang over fang!!”.
“I don’t think so”, Naruto says in a bored tone.
Mid cahrge both Kibas are sent flying back at blinding speed as strong wind gales assault the crowd, hitting the wall in the far back of the arena.
When the dust settles, e they both lay plastered in the middle of a hand shaped crater, somehow they didn’t died, but they were far from unscathed.
“winner by knockpout: Naruto Senju!”, Hayate announces as a team of mednin runs to peel both Kiba and Akamaru out of the wall.
“did you had to go so hard on him?”, Kurenai asks as Kiba and his dog are peeled off the wall and carted to the hospital.
“I didn’t go hard on him”, Naruto says, blowing some smoke, “actually, he got out easy”.
“you quite literally gave him the same treatment someone gives a mosquito!”, Kurenai points out.
“Kurenai, if had really gone hard on him, there wouldn’t be anything left to scrape of the wall”, Naruto says with a serious tone, “because there wouldn’t be even a wall to scrape”.
The jonin sensei feels a cold shiver down her spine and into her very soul.
“do not take this personally”, Naruto says, “I do not harbor animosity against anyone in your team”.
The sensei says nothing, instead, she simply backs away back to her team, all the while, the Hyuuga under her care looks at Naruto from a distance, feeling her heart fluster.
In the observation booth, Tsume was seething with anger and worry, she did knew that the exams were dangerous, but that didn’t stopped her from being affected by seeing how badly injured her son and his partner got.
“aren’t you going to heal him?”, Sakura asks a question Tsume also had.
“no, let that be a lesson”, Naruto says, “if he wants to bark, he better have enough bite to back it up”.
“sheesh!”, Mito says.
After a quick clean up, the next fight is up.
“huh, Shikamaru gut that one on the bag”, Naruto says.
“he better have”, Ino says huffing.
“huh, interesting, sound based genjutsu”, Mito says, “oh, shadow boy seem to be in a pickle”.
“correction, he was in a pickle”, Naruto says as the girl, Kin, is caught in the shadow possession jutsu.
“how?”, Sakura asks, “she’s too far away for the jutsu to work”.
“Sakura, shadows are cast when light can’t pass through an object independently of the thickness of the object”, Naruto points to the stretched shadow on the floor, “Shikamaru used the shadows of the wires she used to control the bells attached to the senbon. Her weapon turned against her”.
“oh, that’s clever”, Sakura says, “who would have tough the lazy ass who slept in class more than you did was so smart”.
“anyone who had met a Nara a mast once in their lives”, Naruto points, “the bastards are always a stiff breeze away from falling asleep, but they make up for it in intelligence”.
“that’s… exactly how Shika is”, Ino admits with a shrug, “as he would say, troublesome”.
The next fight comes quicker than the previous one as there was no real cleaning to be done.
As the fight between the two Hyuugas unrolls, Naruto gets more and more agitated as his dislike for the branch family prodigy, Neji growls exponentially.
“that one there”, Naruto says with a disgruntled tone, “it’s a f*cking fate obsessed moron, those are some of the worst kind of morons”.
“do pray tell, why?”, Mito asks curious.
“because fate only dictates two things in life, that you are born and that you will die”, Naruto says blowing some smoke, “nothing more, nothing less”.
“that’s… filthy rich coming from the guy who can see the future”, Sakura says.
“that’s different”, Naruto says, “divination plays on the fields of scale and perspective the future may change if you look at it from a different scale or another perspective, fate, plays on the fact everything is set in stone and nothing is changeable and that’s bullsh*t, everything can change”.
“what about prophecies?”, Mito asks, now fully fixated on the matter.
“prophecies are funky to say the least”, Naruto explains, “they are loose and changeable”.
“can you be more specific?”, Sakura asks, she too wanted an answer.
“a prophecy is basically saying something that would happen anyway, but nobody knew it would happen”, Naruto says.
“that doesn’t explain the looseness”, Ino says.
“ok, here’s an example, I prophecies that in the near future Ino will take a and have the worst nightmare of her life”, Naruto say causing Ino to frown, “now, did I told you when that would happen?”.
“you said in the near future”, Sakura says.
“but how near? Tomorrow? In five minutes? This week or the next?”, Naruto explains and the girls gain an enlightened expression, “see, it is loose and it is changeable because the scale is small, therefore, it doesn’t have as many moving pieces like, lets say, a prophecy that affects the whole world has”.
“huh, that’s interesting”, Sakura says.
“yeah but another aspect of prophecies is that they foresee the outcome, not how it was reached”, Naruto says, “the thing is, there’s a thousand ways to skin a cat the end result is the same, but how you got that result can wildly differ”.
Naruto goes on an in depth, so deep in deed, they lost track of time and when the class was over, the prelims phase was done.
Now, it was time prepare for the finals and it so happens that Naruto was pitched against mister ‘fate already decided the outcome’ himself
